The Power “Bomb” Rankings
What’s going on bloggers? My name is Adam “Bomb”. I was James’ random freshman roommate from college. I work at an Ice Cream plant in Roslindale called “Puritan Ice Cream”, hence the team name. There’s always a ton of discussion about how and where James’ ranks people in the power rankings. I volunteered to write my own power rankings so others could get a different opinion for once. I actually haven’t read James’ rankings from week 6 despite the fact they’ve been out for a few days now. I’ve been super busy and haven’t had time to work on this. I want this to be completely uninfluenced and all of these thoughts are my take on the current team ranks.
It was a HUGE week for me going up against James. I was #1 and he was a close #2. Sadly, I lost despite a well played 131 points. Anyways, here they are. Read em’ and weep!
1. Tahiti Loungers - ALL HAIL THE CHEESE! Are u f’ing with me!? James drops a heat wave on Team Ice Cream and melts the current weekly high score. Thank god “Legatron” missed about 3 fg’s and Denarius Moore rode the pine. Is there a TD this team didn’t have!? Christ, even Arian the Barbarian was shut down but spoon-fed 2 freebies. I’m still not impressed with Mathews. Not for all the hype he got. This team is really loving Angry Pirates generosity, trading him both Rodgers and Nelson. The Loungers stole 1st from me and the point lead by 8! What do u want me to do vs. the season high 169? “What does New HighScore mean? Is that good? Did I break it?”
2. Crossing Guards – Look both ways before crossing Whiting Ave in The Dirty D, cuz this team will run your ass over! The Pirates never stood a chance (per usual). Bill is crushing teams with his “mercy” grip. Nice to see Romo remembered what team he was playing for this week. At one point before the GB game started, I was leading the week in points. Next thing u know Bill had 148 with some wild stat correction to Dez… Percy is AMAZING. Love that fucking dude. Put him in as kicker so he can find even more ways to score points. I bet he could motion, catch the snap, and throw himself a td pass. Everyone else just did what was expected. Bill’s such a savage that James Jones sitting on his bench with 18 was almost his best play. The rich just keep getting richer…
3. Team Ice Cream – A disappointing effort even with a strong 131 points. Both Richardson and Murray were off to a great start then BOOM injuries. The worst part of the injuries was that the filler in both games was handling the work with ease! I wasn’t too happy with Green or RG3’s performances for awhile, but then they proved why they are the #1 and #2 fantasy scorers. Too fast too furious. James was NOT happy. Then the GB game started… Thankfully Cbell traded Jordy to James on the week that I play him. Actually, fuck u very much Pirates. Despite the 41 point bomb Jordy dropped on me, the worst part of the trade has yet to come… I made a few coaching calls that really shit the bed for me. Starting Andre Roberts to spite James and choosing to pick up Chandler over Gresham lost me about 25 points, but that’s football gentleman. Wasn’t winning either way.
4. Victorious Secret – The Philadelphia Victorious Secrets dominated this week. Kait dropped a 157 bomb on The Godfather and crushed his “high” spirits. They duked it out on Monday night, but Gates dropped a massive haymaker on Floyd’s chin. Finally Gates wakes from his slumber. The newest member to the Secret, Jeremy Maclin, had a huge 27 point day along with fellow teammates Djax and of course McCoy. When everyone shows up to play this team is DANGEROUS. Kait even had Colston and Sproles sitting on a BYE week. I think Kait will rise up the ranks to compete at another shot this year. Pretty easy schedule the rest of the way. Hopefully she can make it through this next week with everyone absent on BYE’s. Dan is in HATE mode and all his players are coming back fresh. Dan deems this matchup “the karma bowl” due to their trade.
5. A Pinch Better – This fucking team… I don’t know. So fragile at RB. Lynch is solid with a few skittles, but after him it’s hit or miss CJ and PT loser. I don’t know wtf Grant is even doing on a roster but he’s riding the pine on this bench. I love the Eli-Cruz connection. Giants are a high powered throwing team and these 2 love to hook up. Kinda like The Pirates and Guards. The receiving corps is the obvious strength of this team. A lot of high floor, high ceiling wideouts. TE is a headache with 2 mediocre options (I feel your pain). All in all this team is just…blah. Can’t hate too much though, Sean has the 3rd highest point total in the league with 768!? Looks like another win coming up this week for APB with the Patriots missing Peyton and Julio to BYE’s.
6. A1 Providers – Paul is sitting pretty in 2nd place right meow. I was gonna rank Paul higher because of it, but then I looked at his roster and stats. He has the 7th most points for and the 11th most points against by only 4 points. Paul always manages to win even with BYE’s in. This kid can’t be stopped. The first year he played the undefeated #1 team with 3 BYE’s in and still left with a W. I’m nervous for this team though. There’s a storm brewing down the stretch for the Providers. The rest of their season goes like this; EatMoreChicken, APB, Guards, Secret, Loungers, Ice Cream, The Godfather. FUCK THAT! Easily the hardest remaining schedule. To go along with that, Providers is also CRAZY thin at RB rostering only 3. J-stew and Carolina can’t get anything on the ground. Bolden is nice, but doesn’t get enough looks as a backup on a pass heavy offense. When you’re leaning on Turner as your RB1 you know your legs are gonna buckle. It won’t be long before Quizz takes over. Pierre Garcon is a clown right now, taking forever to come back. Welker and Vjax have been super solid however, and Hawkins shows a lot of upside. Thankfully for Paul, Drew Brees comes back to carry this team (and any team he plays for). I hope there’s still a lot of pixie dust left in Paul’s magic bag.
7. Jenna – This team couldn’t get any Luck if they drafted the starter for Indy. Cursed with matchup nightmares, this team has been overachieving like crazy this year and yet still a disappointment. The lineup couldn’t look any better (well maybe if u didn’t draft 3 QB’s and waste precious picks, but nevertheless). Finally the black sheep team gets a fair matchup and doesn’t have to score 150 to win. Instead they only have to score 100… and EPIC FAIL. At least both WR’s suited up for Jenna on Sunday, but c’mon it’s Megatron and Fitz… Those 2 always rape and pillage. Not a great game for the Falcons so that hurt Matty Ice and T-gonz both finishing with 8. Just average games from the 2 RB’s and a poor performance out of Mr. Mendenhall in the flex. Shonn Greene shot out of a cannon and had 40 points on the lumber. Who wants to start that fucking loser though? Her special teams were a bust too, only scoring 8 points combined. This team needed those early season wins. Gonna be a hard climb back into contention, especially with the Falcons and McGahee on a BYE this week. EMC has the roster to pull it off. I’m rooting for ya newbie!
8. The Rental Guys – THANK GOD this week is over! Let’s just pretend it never happened. Practically Dan’s entire roster was taking a week off. Cam, Forte, Bmarsh, and M. Bush were all on BYE’s. Ryan Williams and newly acquired Donald Brown were both hurt and forced Dan to pick-up 2 FA to fill his empty spots. He chose both AZ Cardinals since they would split time, but it seems only 1 was worth the spot. I’m glad this team is looking into its weakness and hoarding upside backs for hopes of a gem. If only this team kept thinking more like this… All these mid-late range teams all have a thin RB corps. Coincidence? I think not. Look at the top teams holding onto their stud RB’s with a chokehold. At least the Rental Guys had Hartline to fall back on… too bad nobody was there to catch him. That loser put up a big fat doughnut in the flex hole. We all expected a loss from this team this week considering the circumstances. Expect a MASSIVE bounce back from this team with a completely refreshed lineup. Only putting up 62 points is just flat out embarrassing though. That’s why this team is sitting here. If his 2 WR’s Wayne and Bmarsh keep producing like they are Dan will need to call the Viagra Help Hotline to get rid of his boner. GL to Kait this week, I think sacrificing a virgin to the fantasy gods is in order. What goes around comes around, right Dan? I just wanna get one more laugh in at Dan this week. His players scored; 6,11,14,8,2,6,0,6,9. YAY D/ST and K!
9. Comeback Story – Here comes the COMEBACK! Donny with a HUGE 4 point win over EMC keeps his head afloat. I really like this team and its potential. The QB battle on this team must be getting annoying. Finally dropped Wilson with confidence and Luck only scores a miserable 5 points. Bowe had a terrible game and wants out of KC VERY badly… I hate the questionable call Donny made in the absence of MJD. He started James Starks (I know, WTF!? Gross.) over potential playmakers D. Richardson, McCluster, and even Robert Turbin. This team is just under performing and not meshing at the same time. Tough matchup and BYE’s this week against the Guards. Hopefully Donny can put up a decent score to give himself a chance. Comeback Story needs it’s MOJO back and I think Austin Powers can help him find it.
10. The Godfather – Just can’t catch a break. Both 1st year teams are running into brick walls. They post good numbers every week and still get man handled. Abe scored 127 points with Jamaal Charles posting the lowest score (6)… Brady (21), Bradshaw ( 20), Cobb (19, This dude is a fucking ANIMAL), Rudolph (19), Stevie “Money Sandwich” Johnson (14), Floyd in the flex with (11). The only issue is that I feel like this is a “high” performance from all of his players and this trend won’t continue. Tough matchup this week vs. Ice Cream with no JC from KC. Something has to happen if this team wants a playoff berth. The Godfather’s falling too far too fast and needs to sell his soul for a win!
11. The Boston Patriots – Julio Julio, wherefore art thou Julio. No seriously, where the fuck did u go!? Such an dominant force and recently he’s just been a shadow to Roddy. Jimmy Graham has been disappointing as well. Great pick-up on Celek earlier in the season. I had my eye on him all off season. Too bad the Patriots first 2 draft picks are kind of busts right meow. Again, another team really shallow at RB. Gore has been impressive, but Gore is Gore and it’s only time until he slows down and loses carries or gets hurt. Frankie Glass, ya know? After Gore comes BenFumbles GreenEllis. No more Patriots, no more ball discipline. I’m not a huge believer in his run game. No real upside to him, just a decent base. That’s it though. Totally screwed if one goes down (Gore). 2 backup RB’s on the bench. There’s some optimism for both, but it’s a slight reach. Kenny Britt seems to be back to his formal self again or at least close to it. This team should start to make some noise as long as his RB’s can stay healthy/produce. Tough matchup vs. Sean with Peyton, Julio, and Celek out on BYE’s.
12. The Angry Pirates – Who wants a shot at the CHAMP!? Bill took more than a shot at the Champ. He beat him into oblivion. I actually LOVE Cbell’s team, but they can’t produce at the same time and they have been so up and down. The Pirates keep making trades and re-selling the players once he’s warmed them up. Back to the Decker/Jordy trade. Cbell lost out on 20 points, which blows, but remember I said there was a kicker? The Pirates play the Loungers this week and Decker has a BYE. Not only did Cbell fuck himself this week (still would’ve got smoked with the extra 20), but now he has to sit him against his last owner. PWNED. On the very dim bright side, Decker managed to score 21 points so it’s not like the trade was a bust (hahahaha). The Pirates have A LOT of depth but nobody to lead the way. Even though he’s been trading up the wazoo, the Pirates need to obtain a STAR player that can win him a game. He still hasn’t won yet, remember? Until then I have to leave u here, at the bottom of the ranks. KO’d from the Big Daddy Diesel Powerbomb Bill buried u with. Another biggest blowout… How can u look at urself in the mirror? From Champ to chump.